


Nine Lives Café

by yodepalma



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cat Cafe, Cats, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Flirting, I REGRET NOTHING, I Wrote This For Me, I'm making this up as I go, M/M, Maes Hughes Lives, Meet-Cute, Parental Maes Hughes, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-28 20:38:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6344311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yodepalma/pseuds/yodepalma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lonely? Stressed? Need a pick-me-up? Or just looking for a calm oasis in the middle of your busy life? Then come down to the Nine Lives Café! Where you'll be given good food, better coffee, and, if you're lucky, maybe even find your furrr-ever friend!</p><p>(Al owns a cat café. Ed humors him.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Long story short: a friend in NZ went to a cat cafe and posted pictures on Twitter, one of the cats made me think of Ed as a cat, somehow it spawned the idea of Ed and Al owning a cat cafe. Then...this happened. I'm not even sorry. I have never actually been to a cat café myself (YET), so I will admit ignorance on how these actually work, but my guess is actual café in one room, sit-down area with cats in another where you can take your food with you if you so desire (because FDA regulations).
> 
> It's also worth noting that I have very little idea of how coffee works, but I'm pretty sure mochas are the one with hot chocolate in them and I have a serious craving for hot chocolate right now you don't even understand.
> 
> This is not a completed story yet, but as the first 3k words have been sitting on my computer for a good three weeks and I haven't started the next section yet, I figured I'll throw this up and eventually we'll see when I get to the next part. Some stuff may or may not be cleared up later? I don't _think_ there's alchemy in this AU, but the automail exists regardless because I want it to IF YOU NEED A BETTER REASON TOUGH. i do what i want
> 
> many thanks to my terrible, terrible twitter enablers who ought to have their internet privileges taken away post-haste for being _terrible, terrible enablers_.

_Nine Lives Café_

Roy glared up at the sign for the Nine Lives Cafe balefully, irrationally annoyed to be there. The thing was, he could have said no when Maes had asked him. He could have backed out at any time in the month since his friend had made the reservations. Technically, he could even have just decided not to go at the last minute if he'd really wanted to, and forked over a few extra apology dollars instead. There was just one problem.

“What's wrong, Uncle Roy?” Elicia asked quietly, big blue eyes looking up at him as her nose wrinkled slightly in concern. At thirteen years old she should have been far beyond the age where she could get grown men to do what she wanted just by looking cute, but the sad fact of the matter was that she had both Roy and her dad wrapped around her little finger. Hence, Roy glaring at the sign. Backing out would have meant disappointing her.

“Nothing much,” Roy assured her, offering a little smile and a half hug. “But that sign is a bit obnoxious, don't you think so?”

“No, I think it's adorable!” Elicia protested. “The colors are fun and the kitties are so cute—Daddy! Daddy, take a picture of the sign!”

“Oh, lord,” Roy muttered under his breath. Elicia heard him, and the grin she shot up at him was all Maes.

“Wait!” she said, tugging Roy forward. “Take it with me and Uncle Roy underneath!”

Maes grinned brightly as if this was the best idea he'd ever heard, Gracia stifling a giggle behind her hand as her husband held up the camera. Roy allowed himself to be shuffled over with ill grace, but when Elicia wrapped her arms around one of his and beamed, he smiled fondly down at her. Maes took the picture before he could look up, then came bounding over and showed it to them with a flourish.

“Oh no!” Elicia said, pouting up at Roy through a blush. “Uncle Roy, you're supposed to smile at the camera! Daddy, take another one.”

“No, this is perfect,” Maes chortled, tucking the camera away. “He just looks smug when he smiles for the camera anyway. This is _much_ better.”

“And our reservation time starts in a minute,” Roy added helpfully, checking his old pocket watch. Gracia gave him a knowing smile—it was no secret that Roy had little patience for Maes’s pictures—but Elicia and Maes brightened identically and skipped off together. Roy offered his arm to Gracia.

“Thank you for coming,” Gracia said as they entered the building far more sedately. “Elicia was really looking forward to sharing this experience with you; I think it would have broken her heart if you'd backed out.”

“Honestly, the only reason I'm here is so I wouldn't disappoint her,” Roy said ruefully. He tapped at the breast of his jacket pointedly. “I've got something to keep me busy if I need it.”

The young man behind the pastry counter brightened up as they entered, and then deflated so completely that even the ridiculous cat ears he had perched on his head looked dejected. He visibly forced himself to look pleased again.

“Hello!” he said cheerfully. “You must be the Hughes party. Four people, right? You're right on time. I'm Al, I own the cafe and the shelter that adopts the cats out. I'm sorry, but could you give me just a moment?” He hadn't even given them a second to respond before he'd disappeared into the back, calling “Brother!” as he went.

Roy and Gracia waited patiently as they heard a muffled argument drift out through the doorway Al had disappeared through, while Maes and Elicia walked down the glass case and admired the admittedly delicious-looking baked goods.

“But I can't make the coffee, Brother!” they finally heard Al’s voice shriek, high-pitched. “Brunhilde hates me, you know she does—”

“It's a fucking machine, Al, she can't—oh, hell, you've got me doing it now!” The deeper and more irritated voice was obviously getting closer, which was a good sign. “Fine, I'll make the stupid coffee. Gonna fucking kill Russell—”

“Brother, you forgot your ears!” Al called, just as a vision of grumpy male beauty stepped into view. Roy blinked rapidly for a moment, allowing himself one swift look up and down the young man’s body. He was rewarded with a narrow look, but before Roy could try to defuse the situation with one of his irresistible grins, the man’s eyes had already looked away to sweep over the rest of the group. He hesitated when he saw Elicia, expression softening in a way that instantly endeared him to Roy, and Al took the opportunity to slide a pair of fluffy black cat ears onto his head.

“ _Dammit, Al_ ,” he growled instantly, like a reflex, but didn't remove them.

“This is my brother Ed,” Al said in the same cheerful voice he'd been using earlier. “Don't mind him; he's just grumpy because it's his birthday today and he wasn't supposed to work.”

“It's my birthday too!” Elicia said brightly, looking up from where'd she'd been inspecting what appeared to be—Roy took a closer incredulous look—cat poop-shaped cookies (or at least he hoped they were cookies), and gave Ed a grin that had melted the hearts of lesser men. “Daddy said I can adopt a cat because I'm thirteen today and it'll teach me responsibility.”

“Is that so?” Ed asked with a grin of his own. “Well, since we share a birthday, I think you deserve a free treat too. If your parents don't mind, of course.”

“Can I?” Elicia asked, turning to Maes with shining eyes. Maes, of course, caved instantly.

“Of course you can, Princess,” he said warmly.

“Can I pick anything?” Elicia asked. “Can I have a whole _cake_?”

Ed’s bark of laughter sounded like he was surprised to even _be_ laughing, but he didn't hold any of it back, and Roy wasn't even ashamed to admit that he was utterly entranced.

“I don't think your dad would appreciate that very much,” he said, which only meant that he hadn't figured Maes out yet. “Here, I'll let you in on a secret. See these big cupcakes? We buy most of ‘em cheap from a guy we know, but Al makes the black cats himself and you know what he does?” Elicia shook her head, looking as entranced by Ed as Roy felt. “He fills ‘em with a white chocolate cream. It's the best.”

Damn, he really knew how to sell those cupcakes. Roy didn't even like white chocolate and he wanted one.

“I want _three_ ,” Elicia breathed, and Ed laughed again. He only put one on the plate, but he added a handful of tiny cookies that looked like paw prints with a wink that made Elicia giggle, and brought the plate down to the far side of the counter were Maes was dithering over his own selection while Al looked patiently on. Then he came back down to the coffee machine Roy and Gracia were waiting at.

“Thank you for giving her the cupcake,” Gracia said. “I think she might enjoy this trip for that if nothing else.”

“Sure,” Ed said lazily, “I'm always happy to get more people addicted to Al’s baking. Really, it might work out against you; if she doesn't ask to come back for the cats, she'll definitely ask to come back for the food.

“So what can I get you?”

Gracia ordered two coffees for herself and her husband, then moved over to the condiment counter after giving Roy a sly, knowing glance. Roy used to think that the woman was a saint to put up with Maes, but he’d since learned better. He made a face at her back, and turned to Ed with the most charming of his expressions.

It didn't so much as make a dent in the glare he was being given.

“And what would _you_ like, pervert?” Ed asked him. “From the coffee machine, I mean.”

“Now is that any way to speak to a customer?” Roy purred, leaning on the counter and feeling gratified when Ed didn't push backwards at his new proximity.

“I haven't offered to shove a stirrer up your nose yet,” Ed growled. “Trust me, this is as polite and professional as you're going to get.”

Roy believed it too.

Ed had left his right hand resting on the countertop, so Roy touched gentle fingertips to the back of it—and was surprised to feel the unforgiving hardness of steel underneath. It must have shown on his face, because Ed looked down to see what had startled him and his jaw clenched. Before Ed could jerk away, Roy tightened his grip pointedly, running his thumb down the side of the hand just hard enough for the pressure sensors of what had to be an amazing set of automail to feel it. Ed looked up again slowly, like he was afraid of what he would see, but Roy knew his smile was sympathetic without being pitying. He leaned in further.

“I'd quite like your phone number,” he said lowly, keeping his voice soft, and he wasn't surprised when Ed swayed closer to hear him better. His eyes were dilated already, and when he licked his lips Roy’s own eyes followed the movement. “And possibly a date this weekend, if you'd be kind enough to indulge me.”

“Uh,” Ed said a little croakily. “You—what.”

“Of course, if you're not amenable to these suggestions, I'll settle for a mocha, please.”

“You _fucker_ ,” Ed said, but he was still a little breathless, so it didn't have the effect he'd probably been aiming for.

“Is that a no to the date then?” Roy asked cheekily.

“Yes!” Ed snarled, a faint pink tinge appearing high on his cheeks. He started up the utterly mystifying process of making Roy's order (he didn't pretend to understand a thing baristas did), and Roy knew he must look utterly besotted as he watched the younger man slam things around, but he couldn't help himself.

“Uncle Roy, what's taking so long? The cats are waiting!” Elicia demanded. She was dragging Maes over with her, an impatient look on her face as she saw Ed still making Roy’s drink, but the shameless grin Roy gave the two of them wasn't meant for her. It was for Maes, who had taken one look at Ed’s blush and come to the right conclusion.

“Roy,” he said, the exasperation in his voice clear. Fatherhood had ruined him.

“I'm afraid I ordered a bit of a complicated drink, Sweetheart,” Roy said to Elicia, which made Maes’s lips thin in annoyance because he hated when people lied to his precious baby girl. “I'm sure it'll only be another moment.”

Ed turned from the machine a second later, pushing Roy’s drink to him with a scowl that probably ought to have been terrifying. Roy smiled serenely back at him as he handed over the cash to pay for his drink, then dragged his attention away before Elicia started pouting in earnest.

“I believe we came here for a reason, didn’t we?” he asked Elicia, tugging at her high ponytail to make her nose wrinkle in annoyance. “Your cat won’t find you if we stay out here.”

In the next room, Roy and Gracia took seats at a table near the window to get the most of the morning sunshine. A nearby cat on a cushioned ledge looked up and blinked drowsily at them, making Elicia hiss at her dad to take a picture _immediately_ (Maes, of course, obliged), and then it turned its back to them and curled up with its nose in its tail.

“Let’s go look around at the other ones, Daddy!” Elicia said excitedly, dropping her plate onto the table with a clatter. One of her paw print cookies bounced off it and slid across the table towards Roy; he picked it up and inspected it curiously.

“Remember not to bother them, Elicia!” Gracia called after her as her daughter and husband rushed off. While nobody was paying attention, Roy quickly ate the cookie he had picked up. Not bad for a sugar cookie. He eyed Elicia’s cupcake thoughtfully.

“Roy Mustang,” Gracia admonished. “If you touch one more thing on Elicia’s plate...”

“I would never,” Roy said in a hurt voice, keeping his eyes wide in innocence as he reached over and snatched a mini cupcake off Maes’s plate. Normally he would have just popped it into his mouth, but he was curious what design might be on it, so he looked down and admired it. It didn’t have a licorice tail like Elicia’s bigger cupcake, but it did have a cartoon cat face drawn into the icing that resembled a tortoiseshell coat pattern. When he peeled the paper off, he noticed that the cake itself was marbled too, and grinned. Cute.

“You could have ordered your own items if you wanted cake that badly,” Gracia pointed out softly, taking a small swipe of his icing. When Roy glared at her, she smiled cheekily back.

“Stealing Maes’s food is a _tradition_ ,” Roy said loftily. “If a cupcake hadn’t gone missing, he’d have thought I was sick.”

Gracia rolled her eyes at him, and Roy resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her. It was juvenile, and he was certain he hadn’t done it since high school. Instead he ignored her entirely, and carefully bit the cupcake in half. He hadn’t expected there to be cream inside of it, and his eyes widened as the flavor hit his tongue and he struggled to keep the cream in the cake rather than on his fingers. The other half of the cake was polished off quickly, and he even licked the escaped cream off his fingertips, to the visible amusement of Gracia. Roy could feel his cheeks flushing in embarrassment, but he pretended they weren’t and pointedly pulled the book he’d brought with him out of his pocket.

Then he made the mistake of taking a sip of his mocha, and all pretenses of dignity went out the window. He’d expected mediocre coffee at best, and not just because Ed clearly wanted to do worse than shove a stirrer up his nose, but this was one of the best mochas he’d ever tasted. Good lord.

“Do you need a moment alone with your coffee?” Gracia asked.

“Don’t ruin this for me,” Roy moaned, taking another blissful sip. “Do you remember what the coffee was like on a college campus? Do you have any idea of how I’ve had to suffer? Try drinking coffee made by a man who’s incapable of smelling anything for a week straight, then see how you feel the first time you taste something this heavenly.”

Gracia laughed, but seemed to feel that she’d teased him enough, and turned to look out the window and watch people walk by. Roy turned to his book and actually managed to start reading, and the two of them sat in a companionable silence as Maes and Elicia played with the cats in the background.

Eventually they came back, sliding into their seats with bright eyes and identical grins splitting their faces. Elicia was a little breathless, and she ignored her food for another long moment as she waited impatiently for Roy to look away from his book.

“They’re all so cute, I just don’t know which one I like best!” she gushed, her hands clasped under her chin. Roy couldn’t stop a grin, and when he shifted to lean on his hand he felt something in his lap shift with him. “Oh, Uncle Roy! I thought you didn’t want a cat!”

“I didn’t even notice she was there,” Roy said, staring bemusedly down at the tiny thing in his lap. Her coat was white with gray spots, and the large eyes staring back at him made her look surprised, but she purred when Roy ran a hand down her back. “Cats like to sit on warm things that sit still. She probably just thought I was comfortable.”

“Aww, she’s so cute,” Elicia said. “You should adopt her!”

“I’m not getting a cat, Elicia,” Roy said, in the tone of voice he used to let her know a conversation was over. Elicia pouted, but subsided. “Why don’t you tell me more about the cats you were looking at?”

Her spiel covered what Roy thought must have been every single cat in the room (illustrated by Maes’s camera, of course) and somehow she managed to utterly decimate her cupcake and every single one of her cookies as she talked, but it lasted longer than the time they had left. Eventually, Al came out to explain in his kind voice that they couldn’t stay any longer, and Elicia’s eyes filled with tears of panic when she realized that she hadn’t made her decision yet.

“You can always come back again,” Al soothed her with a bright smile. “We don’t adopt out the cats very often; there’s a good chance that the one you want will still be here if you come back soon enough.”

“Can I, Daddy?” Elicia asked, and Maes uncharacteristically hesitated. Working for the military meant he didn’t get many days off work—at least not many that he shared with his daughter—and it would be difficult to find another chance to come back.

“I don’t mind bringing her back, Maes,” Roy offered, and he even meant it. The food was good and the atmosphere was peaceful, though that might change if he had to follow Elicia around. Maybe he could convince her to be calmer next time. “You know my schedule by now. Go ahead and make the reservation.”

“And then Uncle Roy can get his cat, too!” Elicia said.  
  
“I’m not getting a cat!” Roy protested again, but he had a feeling that Elicia had decided otherwise and wasn’t going to change her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But does Roy end up getting a cat after all!? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no idea where this story is going, and I'm worldbuilding along the way. Just so ya'll know.
> 
> I was mad at myself for writing this yesterday, and then woke up this morning to the news of what happened in Orlando. Hopefully some nice, escapist schmoop is just what the doctor ordered for somebody. <3

_Nine Lives Café: Part Two_

It was several weeks before Roy found himself glaring down the café’s overly cheerful sign again, Elicia tugging excitedly at his hand in a bid to get him to move faster. He was having mixed feelings about the repeat visit at this point; while he was always happy to make Elicia happy, he wasn't entirely certain if he was looking forward to seeing Ed again.

Fortunately, when they entered the café, the face that glared at them from the coffee machine was not the one Roy remembered. He was significantly less attractive and not nearly as threatening, and one of the ears on his head looked like it had recently been chewed on by a dog.

“Hey,” the man said shortly, snatching up a book and peering at it. “Mustang? Just two people today?”

Roy suspected he was in something of a bad mood, and offered a polite smile that was meant more to set people at ease than to flirt with them. But before he could say anything, Elicia slipped her hand out of his loose grip and bounded up to the counter with a bright grin.

“My daddy's letting me adopt a cat and Uncle Roy’s going to help me decide which one to pick because I couldn't make a decision last time!” she said brightly, then leaned up on her tiptoes as if she was trying to share a secret with him. “He made a friend last time. I need your help convincing him to adopt her.”

“Elicia,” Roy said with exasperation, but subsided when he noticed the man was laughing. Clearly there was some sort of conspiracy going on here, but he would just have to remain strong.

“So what can I get you?” the man asked, more cheerful than he'd been before. Only someone with Maes’s DNA could manage that so easily. “I'm Russell, by the way. I make the best damn coffee in this place.”

That would be an impressive feat, considering the blissful experience he'd had previously.

“Caramel latte, if you'd be so kind,” Roy said politely, ushering Elicia towards the baked goods. She didn't budge.

“Can _I_ have a coffee?” she asked with big, hopeful eyes.

“No,” Roy said firmly.

“Daddy would let me have one,” she insisted.

“Your father is a pushover,” he said dryly, which was only true when his family was involved. “Coffee will stunt your growth. Go pick out some cake for us, okay?”

Elicia pouted, but knew when Roy had put his foot down, and went to look at the cakes. Roy shook his head and looked up at the board behind Russell’s head hopefully.

“Would you mind making her hot chocolate?” he asked. Compromise was the key to making children happy, or at least to preventing himself from wanting to gag them.

“Pushover, huh?” Russell asked with a smug and highly irritating smirk. But he made the second drink without complaint, so Roy let him get away with it.

A few minutes later they were able to enter the cat room, drinks and cupcakes in hand, and Roy pointedly led his charge over to a small table in a corner.

“If you want to eat or drink, we come back over here,” he said firmly, ignoring when she rolled her eyes impatiently. She probably thought the lecture was unnecessary but Roy wasn't going to assume anything. “Pay attention.”

“Yes, _professor_ ,” she said with a huff, like it was an insult. Roy flicked her nose. “Ow!”

“Food and drink stay here,” he repeated. “Don't bother the cats unless they want to play. Don't bother the other patrons even if they're playing with a cat you want to play with. If you nag me about adopting a cat again, I'm going to ask Maes if I can borrow you for ‘Take Your Daughter to Work’ day.”

Elicia looked properly horrified at the last part. “You wouldn't!” she gasped.

Roy loomed over her. “How many hours of organic chemistry can you handle, Elicia?”

“I yield!” she cried dramatically. “Anything but organic chemistry!”

“You're too soft for torture,” Roy sniffed superiorly. He held out a hand to his not-actually-niece and smiled. “Let's go find your cat instead.”

Fortunately, Roy’s presence seemed to bring out Gracia’s influence in Elicia’s personality, what little there was of it, and following her around wasn't nearly as exhausting as he'd expected it to be. Possibly this was due to the cats; one of them always seemed to want to play just as Roy was starting to flag, giving him a moment to breathe and drink some of his latte. (The latte which, he felt obligated to point out to himself with every sip, wasn't nearly as good as Ed’s drink had been.) All in all, the experience was relaxing and suspiciously pleasant.

Until a sudden, absolutely abysmal sound of retching reached their ears.

The cat Elicia had been giving a belly rub to flipped over onto his feet, glaring at something behind them with his ears pressed flat against his head. Roy turned around slowly, not wanting to scare any of the animals, and found himself staring at a long-haired white cat that would have been beautiful if its face wasn't contorted in a desperate attempt to spit up a hairball.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Elicia move toward it, and he reached out automatically to pull her in close to him.

“Uncle Roy, she's sick!” she protested, squirming in his tight grip. “We have to help her!”

“If we go near her, we'll just make things worse,” Roy said gently. “I think she's trying to get up a hairball—there, see? She's almost done already.”

He couldn't believe the _size_ of the thing, though, and felt slightly ill at the idea of vomiting several inches worth of hair himself. Then the cat, after making a few more pathetic noises and spitting up a bit more liquid, leaned forward and sniffed her own hairball.

“Ewwww,” Elicia said in complete agreement with Roy’s thoughts.

“Please cross off every long-haired cat from your list of ones you want, Elicia,” Roy said faintly. “I'm going to go find someone to clean this up. Don't move.”

Elicia sighed noisily, but obligingly kneeled back down to her previous friend and began petting him again as Roy strode off. Roy glanced back only once as he opened the door to the café; there weren't many people in the room and he doubted anything would happen, but Maes would actually murder him if anything happened to Elicia on his watch.

He couldn't help the slow, warm smile that spread across his face when he poked his head into the café and saw that Russell had been replaced by a more familiar head of bright yellow hair and fluffy black cat ears.

Roy cleared his throat. “Excuse me,” he said politely.

Ed's shoulders stiffened. His head lifted from the book he was reading very slowly— _exceedingly_ slowly—and he gave Roy a scowl that said he had better have a damn good reason to be interrupting or he was going to die painfully.

It was very impressive, but Roy didn't scare easily. He grinned charmingly back.

“I'm terribly sorry to bother you,” he said, which was a shameless lie. “But one of your cats has coughed up a rather large hairball.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Ed snapped. The scowl hadn't quite disappeared, but it was no longer aimed at him. “I swear the fuckers know when Al has the day off and only choose those damn days to pull this shit.”

He slammed his book shut and threw it somewhere under the counter, from where he also pulled out a sign that read ‘ _Cleaning up something, brb’_ with a picture of a cat tearing up a roll of toilet paper doodled on the side. Then he came around the counter towards Roy and forcefully shoved through the doorway passed him.

It was not a very wide doorway. As a consequence, even though Roy did his best to squeeze out of the way, there was some incidental touching as he passed—enough that Roy discovered that Ed’s automail hand wasn't _just_ a hand, and that his hair was not only as soft as it looked but smelled utterly divine. On top of that, Roy couldn't find any way to avoid looking down at the most perfect butt he'd ever seen once Ed’s back was facing him.

“He already said no to a date,” Roy muttered to himself sharply. Not that this would keep him from flirting, but he could at least have the grace not to make the request again.

He trailed after Ed back into the cat room, forcefully keeping his eyes from straying below waist level again. Elicia looked up as the two of them approached, and the bored expression on her face morphed into a beaming grin as she caught sight of Ed. Roy smiled fondly. He'd forgotten he wasn't the only one with a little crush.

“Hi, Ed!” Elicia said, clambering to her feet and hovering at Ed’s elbow as he walked over to a locked cabinet in the corner. “Is Princess Buttercup going to be okay? Uncle Roy said she was fine but she licked her hairball after he left and I shooed her away from it because that's just gross and then she went off somewhere and I couldn't follow her because he told me to stay here.” Her voice had been rising as she ran out of air, and finally she stopped talking to take a deep breath. Ed smiled at her, tolerant and far more patient than Roy would have expected.

“Buttercup’s fine,” he said quickly. He pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and took some cleaning supplies out of the cabinet as he spoke. “The cats clean themselves and other cats with their tongues and they end up swallowing a lot of hair. They can't digest it so it just ends up coming back out the way it went in.”

“That's _normal_?” Elicia asked, her face scrunched up in an expression so disgusted Roy had to cough into his hand to hide a laugh.

“This is why I'm not getting a cat,” he said. “That and they defecate in boxes _inside_ your house; and they're disloyal, disrespectful little beasts.”

Ed shot him an amused look over his shoulder. “Do yourself a favor and don't ever give that little speech where Al can hear it. You may not make it out of here alive, or at least without finding yourself either working here or taking home like five of ‘em.”

“I already have a job, thank you,” Roy said loftily. “And the poor creatures would find my apartment terribly boring. There's hardly anything there for them to destroy.”

“His apartment _is_ boring,” Elicia said seriously. “He's got, like, three video games and he only _rents_ movies. And all of the books are above my reading level.”

“Not true,” Roy said a bit sullenly. “Your father just coddles you and thinks the themes of the ones I read when I was your age are too adult. I'd let you borrow some on the sly, but he'd probably find out and then beat me to death with them.”

Elicia gave him a thoughtful, narrow-eyed gaze. “At least you wouldn't be able to threaten me with organic chemistry any more.”

Ignoring Ed’s startled bark of laughter at her sass, Roy grabbed her long braid and swung it so it whacked her gently in the mouth. “Some sympathy you have for your favorite uncle. Go bother a cat instead!”

“You're not my real uncle!” Elicia said, sticking her tongue out at him, and bolted off as Roy playfully swatted at her head. She didn't go very far, of course, knowing better than to test Roy's overprotective instincts; a tall cat tree nearby had caught the attention of several of the more active cats, and she grabbed a feathery toy to tease them into running up and down it.

“Not her real uncle?” Ed asked, his voice still amused, and Roy looked back down at him. The hairball had been mostly cleaned up already, and he was just giving the floor a final wipe.

“Maes—her father—is my best friend,” Roy said. “I'm not sure where she picked it up, but she likes to yell that at me occasionally when I tell her to do things.”

“‘ _You're not my real mom!_ ’” Ed said, a mocking lilt to his voice, and snorted. “She seems like a good kid. Guess we can't all be horrible little shits.”

“I take it you were?” Roy asked, unsurprised. “I'm sure you gave your parents a run for their money, but your brother was an absolute angel. He seems the type.”

“Something like that,” Ed said, a distant look in his eyes. He gave himself a shake as Roy frowned down at him in concern, and gathered up the dirty cleaning supplies with suddenly jerky movements. “I got into a lot of trouble anyway, and I usually dragged him into it with me. The woman who took care of us couldn't always bail us out.”

Roy wondered just how literally he meant ‘bail’.

“I'm sorry,” he said, actually contrite this time. “I didn't mean to dredge up bad memories.”

Ed stood and looked up at him, clearly startled by his apology. His wide eyes made him look even younger and strangely vulnerable, and with this new insight into his past of _course_ the combination aroused Roy’s damned urge to protect people. This was not going to help with his attraction to Ed at all.

A short little shriek interrupted them, and even though it sounded more startled than hurt, Roy still whirled in Elicia’s direction. Cats were bolting in every direction away from the tree—as he watched, one particularly large cat made a flying leap from the very top that nearly knocked the whole thing over, and it landed inches away from Roy—and Elicia was shielding her face with one hand even as she reached out the other toward a cat that seemed to have gotten itself entangled in something and was flailing madly with all claws splayed.

Ed cursed fluently and impressively behind him. Roy skipped cursing altogether, jumped forward to yank Elicia away from the cat with one hand, and steadied the tree with the other. The cat promptly managed to free itself, hissed at absolutely nothing, leapt straight onto Ed’s head (the volume and creativity of his cursing, if anything, increased), and darted underneath a low chair. Another cat that had apparently taken shelter there previously yowled unhappily before it came slinking out to sit in the middle of the floor and glare at them.

The only sound in the room for a long minute was Ed’s cursing.

“What in the world just happened?” Roy asked, feeling a little shell-shocked. Remembering that Elicia’s shriek had alerted him to a problem to begin with, he pushed her out at arm’s length to inspect her for injury. She was holding a shaking hand up to her cheek and pouting, but the tears visible in her eyes clearly weren't going to fall. “Are you alright? Let me see.”

“Promise you won't get mad at the cat,” she said, not moving an inch. “He was just scared and I was trying to help and it wasn't his fault at all, I should've left him alone!”

“Elicia,” Roy said, keeping his voice absolutely flat because it would probably shake as much as she was otherwise. “Let me see your face.”

With clear reluctance, she lowered her hand. The cat had gotten her pretty good, with three bloody claw marks high on her cheek and a little bit of blood trickling down the side of her face, but at least it hadn't managed to hit her in the eye.

“Shit,” Ed said, appearing at Roy's shoulder and pulling a pack of tissues out of another pocket. Just how much stuff did he carry anyway? “Shit. That's gonna leave a mark. Here, you can start wiping off the blood—there's a bathroom at the back of the room, I'll grab the first aid kit. Al’s gonna fucking kill me. Shit.”

He disappeared before Roy could thank him for the tissues, so he just handed one off to Elicia and let her hold it against the wound.

“It really wasn't the cat's fault,” Elicia repeated nervously as Roy lead her over to the bathroom. “I know you didn't see what happened because you were talking to Ed, but he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he was just sort of flailing because he was stuck—”

“What exactly do you think I'm going to do to the cat, Sweetheart?” Roy asked softly. He grabbed Elicia under the armpits and bodily lifted her up onto the counter by the sink, smirking when she squealed and kicked at his side in retaliation. A wet paper towel cleaned away more of the blood, but then the marks started bleeding again, and he made an annoyed noise in the back of his throat.

“Dunno why you dislike cats so much,” Ed said, banging his way into the room and throwing a large first aid kit onto the counter before hopping up next to Elicia himself. “You sound like a disgruntled one yourself.”

“I suppose you're the expert then?” Roy asked archly.

Ed paused in the middle of ripping open an antiseptic wipe, and opened his arms wide. “Cat café,” he said.

“...Okay, fair.”

Elicia blushed bright red when Ed turned to her with the wipe and started cleaning her face with the economical strokes of a man who has patched up enough cat scratches to last a lifetime. Roy just leaned on the counter and hid a helpless smile behind his hand, feeling himself growing even fonder of him when Ed started talking about the cats when Elicia winced from the sting. The man really wasn't playing fair. If he kept up this habit of being utterly adorable, Roy would be doomed.

Who was he even kidding? He was pretty sure he was doomed already.

“So seriously, don't choose any of the calicoes,” Ed finished as he carefully applied Grumpy Cat bandaids to her cheek. Roy hadn't even known those existed, but now he kind of wanted some for himself. “Not if you value your silence or your sanity, anyway.”

“Both of which are in short supply in their household anyway,” Roy said warmly.

“Uncle Roy!” Elicia pouted at him. Roy grinned cheekily, then turned her toward him to inspect Ed’s handiwork. At least the deepest parts of the marks had been covered, which was probably the best he could hope for, though it was a bit more sloppily done than Roy would have liked. Oh well. Maes was going to kill him for letting her get injured no matter how neatly the bandages had been put on. He brushed his thumb over them lightly, frowning unhappily.

“I'm _fine_ , Uncle Roy,” Elicia said patiently, leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek. “You're so silly when I get hurt. I think you're worse than daddy.”

“Now that's just uncalled for,” Roy said, pretending to be insulted. He helped her back off the counter and leaned over to kiss her forehead fondly. She sighed tolerantly, then eeled out of his grip.

“I'm going to go look at the black cats like Ed suggested,” she said brightly, and gave him a mischievous smile. “You can talk to Ed some more if you like. I promise I'll be careful!”

The little devil. Sometimes he forgot just how much she took after her father.

“Is your niece trying to get us together?” Ed asked flatly.

Roy rubbed at the bridge of his nose tiredly. “Feel free to ignore her,” he sighed. “It's seems she's inherited her dad's nosy matchmaking in addition to the rest of his irritating habits. It's only a matter of time before somebody buys her a camera and I have to fend off two idiots with no sense of personal boundaries instead of one.”

Ed snorted and turned back to the first aid kit, a faint blush staining his cheeks. Roy really ought to head after Elicia—normally he'd be hovering over her this soon after she'd gotten injured—but he couldn't bring himself to walk away from Ed before it was necessary.

“Thank you for your help with her scratches,” he said softly, mostly as an excuse for his continued presence. “You didn't have to do that.”

Ed shrugged uncomfortably. “This shit only happens when I'm here by myself,” he said. “Stick around long enough and you'll realize everything just fucks up around me.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Roy said, fighting to keep the concern he was feeling from showing on his face. That was twice now that Ed had divulged his own less-than-stellar opinion of himself, and combined with the incident in the doorway earlier—was he trying to warn Roy off?

“Yeah, well, you haven't been around me long.” Ed closed the kit with a snap and gave him a bright, completely fake smile before he turned for the door. “Let me know if anything else goes wrong.”

Roy pulled Ed back toward him before he was quite aware of what he was going to say, and Ed seemed too surprised to glare at him when Roy spun him around. A hand on each shoulder finally told him just how far the automail went, and he ran that hand up the side of Ed's neck so the man could feel how little the prosthetic repulsed him.

“You are the most beautiful man I've ever seen,” Roy said seriously, keeping his eyes trained on Ed’s. He knew perfectly well how intense his gaze could be, and wasn't surprised at the spreading blush, or the uncertain hand that tangled in the front of his jacket. “As much time as you've spent snarling at me, you've proven your kindness repeatedly in your interactions with Elicia. And it takes an extraordinarily strong man to get a surgery like yours done, Ed, especially after the kind of tragedy that would cost you an entire arm to begin with. Perhaps you see something else when you look in the mirror, but I see a man fully worth taking the time and effort of getting to know.”

Ed's mouth worked soundlessly for a long moment, and if this was a movie Roy would take this moment to kiss the poor man senseless. It was the only appropriately dramatic thing to do, and damned if he didn't want to, but it was hardly respectful.

“I'm not going to force my presence on you,” Roy said, because he knew some men would. “But you should know that I would love to get to know you if you were willing to give me the opportunity.”

He smoothly disentangled himself from Ed’s lax grip and quietly left the bathroom.

Elicia had hunted down a black cat as she'd said she was going to, but she looked up when Roy approached her. She seemed disappointed when she noticed Ed wasn't with him, but didn't ask any questions, and instead just introduced Roy to her new friend.

“This is Sir Isaac Newton,” she said, shaking a jingling mouse over his head. The cat watched it intently, and when Elicia gently tossed it, he went chasing after it like a dog. Once he'd batted it around a little to kill it, he picked it up in his mouth and carried it back over to Elicia, dropping it at her feet and sitting back on his haunches. She picked it up and beamed up at Roy. “I'm going to call him Newt.”

“Picked out your cat, have you?” Roy asked.

“Oh, he chose me,” Elicia said seriously, pointing over to a different black cat that was sunning herself in the window. “I was trying to get her attention because she has really pretty green eyes, and he came up and dropped the toy in my lap. As soon as I realized he wanted to play fetch I knew he was the one.”

“I suppose we'd might as well let Ed know,” Roy said a bit reluctantly. He'd actually been hoping to give it more time before they spoke again, but he supposed they were probably over their allotted time by now anyway.

Elicia gave him a confused look, but seemed too excited about having finally chosen a cat to worry about his strange attitude, for which Roy was grateful. They took a short detour over to their table to polish off the last of their cupcakes, and then they went back out into the café.

Ed’s face turned bright red when he made eye contact with Roy, but thankfully Elicia ignored this entirely as she bounced in front of the counter.

“I want to adopt Isaac Newton!” she said.

Ed blinked down at her, looking confused for a moment. “I've got to talk to Al about the names he gives the cats,” he said. “I was about to ask when you decided to become a necromancer.”

“That doesn't sound very sanitary,” Elicia replied, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

The paperwork for adopting a cat was tedious, if thankfully short, and then Roy found himself forking over a lot more money than he'd expected as Ed gathered up a list of supplies Elicia would need for her new pet. He suspected he was paying more than he needed to for some of it, but he supposed he could live with it if it went to the shelter.

Eventually, Roy was able to put his much-abused credit card to rest. Sir Isaac Newton sat meowing unhappily in a crate at his feet, only pausing when Elicia cooed back at him, and Roy's car was weighed down with forty pounds of litter and who knew how many pounds of cat food. Newt was going to be one fat cat, he just knew it.

“I'm going to take Newt out to the car,” Elicia said. “Thank you, Ed!”

“Sure,” Ed said, waving a little as she picked up the carrier in both hands and walked out the door. He turned to Roy and shoved his hands in his pockets. “So, uh. Roy. Right?”

Roy smiled slowly. He hadn't realized Ed had been paying attention well enough to remember his name.

“We're both probably going to regret this,” he grumbled, cheeks turning pink again. “But I was kind of rethinking that date, maybe? If you're crazy enough to still want to take me out.”

“I would be delighted to, actually,” Roy said, pulling out his phone. He tapped open the contacts quickly and handed it over before Ed could change his mind. “How does Friday work for you?”

“Friday's fine,” Ed said. He hesitated a second before giving Roy his phone back, but when Roy glanced at it his name and a number were definitely there.

Roy tucked it away and stepped forward, cupping Ed’s face with both hands and feeling a pleased smile curl up the corners of his lips. Ed breathed in sharply, wrapping the automail hand gently around Roy's left wrist.

“Just to make sure you don't regret the decision too soon,” Roy murmured so softly it was practically a whisper. He kissed Ed almost chastely, barely more than a tease until the shorter men pressed forward himself with his lips open in an offer too good for Roy to pass up.

Ed's eyes opened slowly when Roy pulled away, and he looked a little dazed as he licked his lips and leaned back himself. “I think I'm already regretting it,” he said hoarsely.

Roy smirked and kissed him again, this one purposely only a brief tease, and Ed snarled wordlessly when he actually pulled away completely this time.

“I'd better get Elicia home before Gracia starts calling me,” he said brightly, before stepping backwards sharply. He grabbed both of Ed's hands, pulling them up to kiss the back of his knuckles and grinned shamelessly when Ed blushed again and yanked away. “I'll call you.”

“Text me,” Ed said. “I fucking hate talking on the phone.”

Roy saluted him cheerfully, then spun on his heel and walked to his car with as much dignity as he could muster, not that anyone could blame him if there was a bit of a bounce to his step that hadn't been there before. Anyway, at least nobody would be able to suspect the ridiculous giddy feeling that was fluttering in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeknownst to Roy, Elicia has already started planning out the rest of his life with Ed. They have at least three cats, a dog, a parrot that only repeats Ed’s more inventive curses despite Roy’s best efforts, and two adopted children (because Elicia wants one cousin she can do Stereotypical Girl Stuff with, and one she can beat up).


End file.
